Stake Conference

Let me just start by saying that it's REALLY IMPORTANT to have the ability and the skill to articulate your feelings accurately. This is not something I think I have. It's hard for me to finish a gathering or something and even to know myself exactly what I'm feeling. And that's not necessarily in a good context. What I'm feeling at this moment is not the spirit. I'm feeling anger and confusion and loss. If these are things which you would prefer not to read about, please feel free to navigate your cursor up to that little x that closes the tab in which this blog resides and promptly click your mouse.
Let's start THIS portion of the blog, now that most of you have left, by letting me admit that I have a Pride problem. I have a pride problem. There. I said it. With that in mind, you are allowed to continue reading.
I started Stake Conference listening to the youth Choir practicing the pieces they were going to sing for the meeting. It pained me a little that I wasn't up there, supporting them with my voice as well. But I didn't go to the practices, and I make the excuse that I've been busy with college, which is a true statement. During the time when I was listening to the choir, I wrote in my little planner some thoughts I was having. I've been wondering if I have been prepared for the receipt of the Melchizedek Priesthood, for which I was sustained today (and if you think I'm being self-righteous by writing this in my blog, you go ahead and think that), and I asked myself the questions of, "Why do I do what I do?" and, "Why do I believe what I believe?" Recently my family and I have discussed a quote by C. S. Lewis, which involves the analogy of rats in a cellar. It is as follows:
“We begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is  some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse  that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular  acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.  On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.  But the suddenness does not create the rats:  it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.  The rats are  always there  in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light."
I've got rats in my cellar, people. This post will probably indicate that. In any case, I asked myself what those rats were? Why did I do what I did? What are the reasons for my actions, at their very core? I concluded that the only reason I am ever polite or well-dressed or clean is because I want to impress people and not to offend them. And the only reason I do that is because I want people to like me. I asked myself other questions including, "Why am I a member of the church...in all seriousness?" and, "Why am I going on a mission?" There were rats. I asked myself, "Under different social circumstances, would I act/believe differently? Do I have a testimony? Do I really love the Lord so much that I want to serve him [which should be the reason anyone goes on a mission, in my opinion]? Or is it something else?" I don't know the answer. I'm not sure why I do things. Then my pride problem stepped in. If any of you people who I am about to mention read my blog, please just know that this is how I was feeling:
I had been the only guy sitting in the row where I was sitting, and the only other guy who I knew was being sustained was on the stand with the choir members (I continued to feel like dirt). Then, several young men, one or two at a time, began to sit in my row. As I recognized them, I thought to myself, "Are these guys really worthy of what they are about to be sustained for?"
Pride problem.
You see, I deem the majority of jocks as being jerks, and the majority of the people who were in my high school in the same category. At least, most of the guys, anyway. I just feel like they don't live their lives the way they ought to. So I looked at these guys, who I identified in such light, and wondered if they were really worthy. If they had worked as hard as I had to receive the Priesthood.
And then I looked at myself, after a time. Had I worked hard? I have not received my Duty to God award, or my Eagle Scout award. Had these guys gotten them? Had they earned them the way the were supposed to? How important are these things to becoming an Elder? Were they asked by their bishop after they earned these awards to come in and be interviewed? I had to ask my bishop when I could start my mission papers. Did he ask them when they could come into his office so he could talk to them about being Elders? During the actual sustaining, the name of one of the members of my Priest's quorum was called, and he stood. I had not realized that he was being sustained an Elder. He is only just about to graduate this week. I know he had earned both the aforementioned rewards. Did the bishop call him in (he was really the one who triggered that line of questioning)? What took so long for me to receive the Priesthood? When I think now, I suppose that he did call me in and I requested extra time so I could earn my Duty to God award. But I didn't earn it. Are those who did more worthy than I? If I had just accepted the opportunity then, could I have been of more use? What took me so long?
So, here I was, having all these thoughts and asking questions, to which I still do not know the answer. There were a few other things that made my conference experience rather negative, but perhaps it was just the way that I reacted to them.
On a more positive note, I did feel like there were things in Stake Conference that definitely pertained to me, and which I wrote down. Hope they help me to improve. And I hope this post wasn't just toally depressing to all of you who stuck around to read it.
So, bottom line: Am I worthy to be receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood? Probably not as worthy as those other young men whom I was actively judging and criticizing.